Twilight: The Musical
by BethanyWrites
Summary: A comical, musical, dirty parody of Twilight. You will enjoy this if you are against Twilight. You may enjoy it if you like Twilight. Like AVPM or AVPS, but without the plot. YOU WANT TO READ THIS.
1. ACT I: Scene One

**Twishite: The Musical**

**ACT I  
><strong>**SCENE ONE**

(Everything is dark. There are four chairs set up facing the audience. JESSICA and MIKE are sitting together on the right and BELLA and EDWARD are sitting together on the left. EDWARD has a clothes pin on his nose.)

BELLA  
>God. My life sucks <em>so<em> much. I can't believe that I'm going to have to live in this stupid hick town. It's cold here. I hate the cold. I think I should also complain about the rain. Constantly. Sure, I chose to come here, but it was just to prove a point to my mom. It's not like a actually _wanted_ to spend time in this dreary little hell hole.  
><em>I can't believe, I'm stuck at Forks.<br>__The entire town, is filled with dorks.  
><em>_I chose to come here, I'll admit it, I did.  
><em>_But my hair is curling because it's so humid!  
><em>_It rains nonstop, like twenty-three hours a day.  
><em>_It would be sunshine and happiness, if I had my way.  
><em>_My dad Charlie, he's kind of cool.  
><em>_He's a cop, so he makes all the rules.  
><em>(she trips)  
><em>I'm really clumsy, but the boys think it's cute.<br>_'_Sept for pale-face over here, I make him puke.  
><em>_Everyone loves me, even though I kind of suck.  
><em>_But maybe it's because I'm a really good _

(JESSICA throws a paper ball at BELLA's head.)

BELLA  
><em>Duck!<br>__Maybe I'll finally meet my dream guy…  
><em>_Even if he is a curse in disguise…  
><em>Do you know what foreshadowing is? No? I guess we don't use that literary devise in this story.  
><em>So here I am, at Forks High School,<br>__Where everyone thinks I'm just so cool.  
><em>_It'll be a great year, I can tell.  
><em>_Even though high school is like your own personal hell.  
><em>_Maybe I'll meet new friends, and eat with them  
><em>_But that wouldn't happen, if I don't pass Chem  
><em>_And if everyone could see how I see me,  
><em>_They'd be falling down on their hands and knees_

EDWARD  
><em>But you know, it won't be all fun and games here<br>__We've got to study hard, and hunt for deer.  
><em>_Maybe something interesting, will go down,  
><em>_Or maybe Bella will go to prom, and win the crown._

JESSICA  
><em>Yeah right, did you see that girl? Get real.<br>__She's a downright skank, that's the way I feel.  
><em>_Why aren't all the guys, lookin' at me?  
><em>_At Forks High School, I'm the queen bee.  
><em>_Maybe I'll befriend her, and lure her into a trap.  
><em>_Oh the other hand, it's science class, so I could take a nap._

MIKE  
>(singing to a different tune)<br>_Bella… you are so beautiful…  
><em>_I love your hair…  
><em>_And how you fall over your chair…_

BELLA  
><em>Moving to Forks makes me depressed; sullen<br>__But lucky for me I sit next to the hot guy; Cullen.  
><em>_I'll copy off his test, 'cause he looks smart,  
><em>_But why's that look on his face? Did I fart?_

MIKE  
>Did you see that new girl? She's like, smoking. She's kind of pale, and trips a lot, and her hair is kind of like <em>oh my god, what crawled on top of her head<em>, but she's still my dream girl. In fact, I'm going to make her the star of my sexual fantasies.

(EDWARD cringes in pain.)

EDWARD  
>Oh, god.<p>

JESSICA  
>That Edward Cullen is so hot. I'd like to lick him. I wonder why he isn't bowing at my feet.<p>

MIKE  
>'Cause, Jess, you're a bitch.<p>

JESSICA  
>Shut up, Mike, or I'll tell everyone about that time in summer camp.<p>

MIKE  
>The time where I… or the time when you<em>…<em>

JESSICA  
>The time when you-<p>

MIKE  
>Right! Shutting up!<p>

(EDWARD is leaning away from BELLA and looking nauseous.)

EDWARD  
>Could you move over a bit?<p>

BELLA  
>Like this?<p>

(BELLA moves closer to him.)

EDWARD  
>Oh, no. No! Away! Move away!<p>

BELLA  
>Like this?<p>

(BELLA sits in his lap.)

EDWARD  
>Oh, I'm going to be sick!<p>

(EDWARD runs away after throwing BELLA to the floor.)

BELLA  
>Was it something I said?<p>

(JESSICA stands up and sits in EDWARD's seat.)

JESSICA  
>Don't worry about it, Izzy, he doesn't like girls. At all. I'm talking serious guy on guy action.<p>

BELLA  
>Really?<p>

JESSICA  
>Yeah. His family is a fruit cake. Emmett and Jasper are together, and while you would never guess, Jasper wears the pants in the relationship…<p>

(JASPER and EMMETT walk past. JASPER smacks EMMETT's butt.)

JESSICA  
>There they are now. Also, Alice and Rosalie are together, but they're always fighting. I think it's because Rosalie has a thing for Edward, which is pointless because he doesn't like blondes.<p>

ALICE (O.S.)  
>You bitch!<p>

BELLA  
>Interesting.<p>

JESSICA  
>Yeah. Also, their parents look like, younger than they do. I would love to get some beauty tips from Mrs. Cullen, but every time I approach her, she bares her teeth at me.<p>

BELLA  
>Weird…<p>

JESSICA  
>I know, right?<p>

(JESSICA goes back to her seat and EDWARD and TEACHER enter.)

TEACHER  
>Alight class! Quiet down! Class is about to begin!<p>

BELLA  
>Ew, we're drawing blood today. I could totally handle like a gang of supernatural creatures coming after me, but not this. Faint.<p>

(BELLA falls off her chair. EDWARD kneels down and cradles her hand.)

TEACHER  
>Oh, that stupid girl. That's the sixteenth person who's fainted today! Cullen, take her to the office.<p>

EDWARD  
>Oh, right. I'll- um, take her to the bat cave- I mean nurses office, so I can devour, I mean help! I'm going to help her!<p>

(EDWARD starts to pick BELLA up as the lights go down. BELLA is now laying down in an empty field. EDWARD is perched like a cat a few feet away.)

BELLA  
>Wha-? Where am I? I'm in a meadow? Oh, that's cool. I don't really care about being carried unconsciously for long distances while I'm supposed to be in class. I wonder if that Cullen kid over there is an ax murderer, or something.<p>

EDWARD  
>Oh no. Not an ax murderer. It's worse. Much worse.<p>

BELLA  
>Oh? You're a serial rapist?<br>(provocatively)  
>Oh, please, don't rape me…<p>

(BELLA sprawls out on the floor suggestively and crawls towards EDWARD.)

EDWARD  
>Ew. No. Never. NO. I don't want any of that. No, it's worse than even that. Bella, I- I have to tell you something.<p>

(EDWARD takes off his shirt and sparkles.)

BELLA  
>Let's see, you're cold, you're sparkling, and you talk funny… I've got it!<p>

EDWARD  
>Go ahead. Say it.<p>

BELLA  
>You're gay! Don't worry, I've always wanted a gay friend. We can go shopping, and stuff.<p>

EDWARD  
>Actually, not gay. I'm a vampire. Not gay.<p>

BELLA  
>And we can buy shoes, and I can do your hair…<p>

EDWARD  
>Didn't you hear me? I'm not gay. I'm a fearsome creature of the night. Who sparkles. A little. But! only in the daylight.<p>

BELLA  
>We can watch My Girl, and we can paint our nails…<p>

EDWARD  
>Okay, listen. I'm a vampire, not your gay Barbie doll.<p>

BELLA  
>And we can complain about our boyfriends, that is, if anyone out of the millions of boys at Forks High School will date me…<p>

EDWARD  
>Do you have hearing problems? I am a ferocious beast. I hunt Bambi. To suck his blood.<p>

BELLA  
>So… no sleepovers?<p>

EDWARD  
>No, because only one of us would be sleeping…<p>

BELLA  
>Oh, would you watch me sleep?<p>

EDWARD  
>How did you know? Are you a mind reader? Oh, wait, that's my magical power…<p>

BELLA  
>Well, I don't care if you're a vampire. I still want to be with you.<p>

EDWARD  
>No. It's better if we're not even friends. Trust me.<p>

BELLA  
>But I don't care if you're gay. I mean, a vampire.<p>

EDWARD  
>It's not just that. I also have a very strong urge to kill you.<p>

BELLA  
>Why? Because my blood smells so sweet that I'm like a drug to you?<p>

EDWARD  
>No, that's a stupid example. I want to kill you because you smell so bad. I feel that if I kill you, the stench of death would overpower your current scent, and I could take this clothespin off.<p>

BELLA  
>So just because I smell, you don't want to be friends?<p>

EDWARD  
>I said that it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I don't want to be.<p>

BELLA  
>Fine. Let's cuddle then.<p>

(EDWARD takes a deep breath and hugs BELLA.)

EDWARD  
>Yeah… this is… great…<p>

(JAMES and VICTORIA walk on the opposite side of the field.)

VICTORIA  
>Heh. I'm gonna eats you alls.<p>

JAMES  
>Oh yes, my sweet. We are going to get that sexy vampire…<p>

VICTORIA  
>What? No. I meant the girl. The human? The one who has delicious smelling blood that doesn't quite manage to cover her B.O?<p>

JAMES  
>Oh, alright. We'll eat the girl!<p>

VICTORIA  
>Hear that Bella? We're coming for you…<p>

JAMES  
>And you, you sexy vampire!<p>

VICTORIA  
>Shut up, we're not going to kill the other vampire.<p>

JAMES  
>Not even a little?<p>

VICTORIA  
>Fine, we can kill him too.<p>

JAMES  
>Yes!<p>

* * *

><p>The story (musical) is broken up into acts, then scenes. On my other site I have it just broken up by acts, but I feel like it overwhelmed some people, and plus I have to fight with the spacing on here to make it easy to read.<br>If you were wondering, the song doesn't have a real tune. The rest of them do, don't worry. And yes, it is called Twishite, but I figured that putting that in the actual title would get me in trouble.  
>Don't forget to review!<p> 


	2. ACT I: Scene Two

**SCENE TWO**

(BELLA and CHARLIE are sitting together on a couch watching TV. CHARLIE is wearing a large police badge.)

BELLA  
>Ugh. Why are we watching sports? I hate sports. If my gay friend Edward was here we could watch Friends. Or Will and Grace.<p>

JACOB (O.S.)  
>Ding dong!<p>

(BILLY comes in the room with a wheelchair. His wheelchair is a normal chair that he holds to his butt while he walks.)

BILLY  
>Yeah! Let's be men and talk about fish and sports! I even brought my manly son Jacob for Bella's viewing pleasure.<p>

(JACOB walks in flexing.)

CHARLIE  
>Oh, hey there, Billy! Jacob! Come on in!<p>

(JACOB sits next to Bella on the couch and BILLY wheels right in front of the TV.)

JACOB  
>Yeah, I'm so buff. Let's watch sports! Male bonding!<p>

BELLA  
>Ugh. If my gay friend Edward was here, I wouldn't have to put up with this. It would also stop raining, because he's a god, and he can do that.<p>

BILLY  
>YES! Sports! The only thing more manly than this is to be banging a girl while watching sports!<p>

CHARLIE  
>AND FISHING! All in one!<p>

BILLY  
><em>Men, men, men, men,<br>__Men, men, men, men._

JACOB  
>Dad… I'm starting to feel funny…<p>

CHARLIE  
>Billy, I think it's time to give him that talk, because I'm perfectly okay if Jacob wants to get in Bella's pants. It's high time the little tramp got deflowered.<p>

BILLY  
>No, he's only interested in females.<p>

JACOB  
>Oh, I'm really not feeling well…<p>

CHARLIE  
>Don't worry. Those feelings are perfectly natural. If you and Bella just want to go upstairs for a while…<p>

JACOB  
>Okay, maybe I should mysteriously disappear for an extended amount of time. You're on your own, Dad.<p>

(JACOB runs away and howls.)

BILLY  
>Oh. It's a full moon. It must be his time of the month.<p>

(JACOB keeps howling.)

BELLA  
>What <em>is<em> that noise?

BILLY  
>Charlie, you better go arrest you neighbors for beating their dogs.<p>

CHARLIE  
>You're right. Even though I live in the middle of nowhere, I'll go shoot some shit. You two can stay here and talk.<p>

(CHARLIE pulls out a huge gun and walks away.)

BILLY  
>Bella, I remember you from when you were a little baby. You used to come down to La Push beach to go swimming. Topless.<p>

BELLA  
>If my gay friend Edward Cullen was here, I could go swimming topless.<p>

BILLY  
>No! Not Edward Cullen!<p>

_Bella girl, where you from, how's it going?  
>I know that you, ain't gotta clue whatcha doing<br>You can play brand new to all the other dicks out here  
>But I know what you are, what you are, baby<em>

Look at you, getting more than just a re-up  
>Baby he, got all the puppets with their strings up<br>Faking like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em  
>I know what he are, what he are, baby<p>

_Womanizer, woman-womanizer, he's a womanizer,  
>Oh womanizer, oh he's a womanizer, baby<br>He he he is, he he he is  
>Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer<em>

Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<p>

He got you going  
>He's oh so charming<br>Because he's got  
>You womanized<p>

Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>You say I'm crazy  
>I got your crazy<br>He's nothing but a  
>Womanizer<p>

_He's a vamp, and he's gonna suck you're blo-od  
><em>_Too bad for you, you're going to ru-un out of blo-od.  
><em>_He's a-gonna kill you baby, which kinda sucks cause you're hot  
><em>_But that's just him, so listen to me baby_

_Lollipop, you must know that he's a sucker  
>I know that you, would be a victim, just another<br>Say it, play how you want it  
>But no way I'm never gonna let you fall, never you, baby<em>

__Womanizer, woman-womanizer, he's a womanizer,  
>Oh womanizer, oh he's a womanizer, baby<br>He he he is, he he he is  
>Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer<em>_

Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<p>

He got you going  
>He's oh so charming<br>Because he's got  
>You womanized<p>

Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>You say I'm crazy  
>I got your crazy<br>He's nothing but a  
>Womanizer<p>

_Maybe if we both lived in a different world  
>Yeah<br>It would be all good and he would call you his girl  
>But you can't 'cause he won't, that<em>

_Womanizer, woman-womanizer, he's a womanizer,  
>Oh womanizer, oh he's a womanizer, baby<br>He he he is, he he he is  
>Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer<em>

_Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>He got you going  
>He's oh so charming<br>Because he's got  
>You womanized<em>

_Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>__You say I'm crazy  
>I got your crazy<br>He's nothing but a  
>Womanizer<em>

_Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<br>Girl don't try to front  
>You know just what he are-are-are<em>

_Womanizer, woman-womanizer, he's a womanizer,  
>Oh womanizer, oh he's a womanizer, baby <em>

BELLA  
>Yeah, whatever. I'm going to bed.<p>

(BELLA stomps away.)

BILLY  
>Heed my warning!<p>

* * *

><p>And the lovely Billy Black, singing the men song (not from Two and a Half Men...) and CullenizerWomanizer by Brittney Spears. I may not have mentioned it before, but I own nothing.


	3. ACT I: Scene Three

**SCENE THREE**

(BELLA is laying down on a bed. EDWARD is sitting in a rocking chair. There are dirty clothes everywhere.)

EDWARD  
><em>Guess what, guess what, Bella Swan?<br>__I want you to have my spawn.  
><em>_Did you know that you're my love?  
><em>'_Cause you're fragile, like a dove  
><em>_So please, oh please, Bella Swan  
><em>_Pretty please just mow the lawn_

Yeah, I'm talking down there…

BELLA  
>Huh? Eh? Sleep talk? Mumble, mumble…<p>

EDWARD  
>You're so beautiful when you are in a slightly comatose state.<p>

BELLA  
>Hmm…? Edward… and Bella… sitting in a tree… K-I-S-S…. I-N-G… first comes love… then comes marriage… then comes Edward and Bella's spawn in a baby carriage…<p>

EDWARD  
>Stupid Bella! You're giving away the plot!<p>

(EDWARD roars like a lion and runs from the room. BELLA sits up suddenly.)

BELLA  
>Oh… it was just a dream. Edward and I didn't really have a demon spawn who tried to eat me from the inside out. Too bad…<p>

(A light shines from the corner of the room.)

BELLA  
>Oh, so sparkly! Maybe it's my love, Edward Cullen! I better go see!<p>

(BELLA chases it out. JAMES and VICTORIA enter.)

VICTORIA  
>See, I told you that she would fall for it…<p>

JAMES  
>Mmm, do you smell that?<p>

VICTORIA  
>What, her dirty socks, or the delicious scent of her blood…?<p>

JAMES  
>No, another vampire has been here. It's that delicious vampire. I know it. Only he could smell this sexy.<p>

VICTORIA  
>Would you stop that? I think the sock fumes are going to your head. Come on, let's find some of her clothes for our army to smell, so they can hunt her down.<p>

JAMES  
>Why don't we just kill her now?<p>

VICTORIA  
>Because, we need to give this thing a semblance of a plot. Don't worry though, you'll still get to fight someone.<p>

JAMES  
>And the army? Since when do we have an army.<p>

VICTORIA  
>Oh, dear. I told you I wasn't cheating on you when I spent all those months in Florida. I was actually building an army of half-permanently intoxicated teenage vampires from when they were on spring break.<p>

JAMES  
>Wouldn't sober adults have been better?<p>

VICTORIA  
>Yes, but how else would we explain why they're so out of control?<p>

JAMES  
>I see.<p>

VICTORIA  
>How is it that I can't find any clean clothes…?<p>

JAMES  
>Here! I found… some crusty underwear…<p>

VICTORIA  
>Isn't there anything el-<p>

BELLA (O.S.)  
>Oh, it wasn't Edward. Man, and I was going to tell him that I'll love him even though he's a vampire, and even though he told me that the urge to kill me because he thinks that maybe the stench of death would overpower the scent of my B.O…<p>

VICTORIA  
>Quick! We must go! Grab and underwear and let's run!<p>

JAMES  
>Right!<p>

(JAMES grabs a handful of clothes as he and VICTORIA run away. BELLA stumbles back in.)

BELLA  
>It was so sparkly. I was sure it was him. I love him so much. I am so totally in love with him.<p>

_Sparkle, sparkle, E. Cullen  
><em>_How I wish you weren't sullen  
><em>_Did you know that you're my love?  
><em>'_Cause you are from up above  
><em>_Yes that's right you are a god  
><em>_So please on my heart, do not trod._

* * *

><p>If you couldn't guess, both songs were Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star Sparkle Sparkle, E. Cullen/ Guess What Guess What, Bella Swan


	4. ACT I: Scene Fourish

**SCENE FOURISH**

(JESSICA and BELLA are in a dress store. On the other side of the stage there is a book store. In the middle there is nothing.)

BELLA  
>How about this dress?<p>

JESSICA  
>No, you'd look like a whore.<p>

BELLA  
>Oh… how about these shoes?<p>

JESSICA  
>Nope. They'd just scream slut.<p>

BELLA  
>Maybe I just won't go to prom. I can't dance anyways.<p>

(BELLA trips.)

JESSICA  
>No, you have to go! That way I can show you up when I'm crowned queen!<p>

BELLA  
>What?<p>

JESSICA  
>I said that I'd be so lonely without you. It'd be devastating.<p>

BELLA  
>Fine. What about this necklace?<p>

JESSICA  
>Maybe if you want to scream 'I'm such a skank that I'll even sleep with the undead.'<p>

BELLA  
>Yeah, I think that will work!<p>

JESSICA  
>Whatever. Let's go get something to eat. I haven't eaten since last month and it's time for a binge. Then it's time for some serious alone time with my toothbrush. And I'm not talking about my electric one.<p>

BELLA  
>You go ahead. I'm going to go look at some books.<p>

JESSICA  
>What for? I didn't know you could read.<p>

BELLA  
>Well, I can't, but my dad wants some books on dogs because the neighbors have some that won't stop howling. I'll catch up with you at the restaurant.<p>

JESSICA  
>'Kay, fine with me. Don't get raped.<p>

(BELLA goes across to look around the books. BILLY comes in with his chair.)

BILLY  
>Hey there, Bella. What can I do you for?<p>

BELLA  
>I don't know, a dollar? I'm pretty cheap.<p>

BILLY  
>I mean how can I help you…? I run this book store. It's actually on part of the Indian reserve. There's a casino in the back.<p>

BELLA  
>Oh, I just needed a book on dogs. That dog that started howling when you visited? He's still at it at night. It's pretty annoying, so my dad asked me to get a book for him.<p>

BILLY  
>Oh! I have the perfect book for you!<p>

(BILLY hands her a book.)

BELLA  
>But all this says is 'you should date my son Jacob. Charlie approves.'<p>

BILLY  
>Oops, wrong one. Let me see here…<p>

(BILLY throws the book away and grabs another one.)

BELLA  
>My Boyfriend's a Vampire, a Womanizer, and a Lazy Jackass, Ten Ways To Get Rid of Him if Holy Water Won't Work? That's not exactly what I'm looking for.<p>

(BILLY throws the book at BELLA and grabs another book.)

BILLY  
>This is it! Here!<p>

BELLA  
>How to Not Accidentally Hunt Your Dad's Best Friend's Son While Mistaking Him For A Dog. Thanks, this seems really helpful!<p>

BILLY  
>This one's on the house! See you later when me and your dad go wrestle a buffalo to get ready for football season.<p>

BELLA  
>Okay! See you!<p>

(BELLA walks to the center of the stage. As she walks, everything else is cleared off.)

JACOB (O.S.)  
>Here Bella, Bella, Bella…<p>

BELLA  
>Who is that? Edward? Who's there? I hope it's not a rapist!<p>

JACOB (O.S.)  
>Come here you hot foxy mama, and give your daddy some love…<p>

BELLA  
>Charlie? Is that you?<p>

JACOB (O.S.)  
>Come on Bella, follow the sound of my voice!<p>

EDWARD (O.S.)  
>Stay away from my girlfriend!<p>

(EDWARD runs out holding a steering wheel. JASPER and EMMETT are behind him, as if they were riding in a car.)

EDWARD  
>I'll save you Bella! Oh! Ice!<p>

(EDWARD, EMMETT, and JASPER start spinning. EDWARD throws the steering wheel at BELLA's face.)

EDWARD  
>Whoa! Are you okay?<p>

JASPER  
>I… smell… blood…<p>

(JACOB comes out wearing a bandana.)

JACOB  
>Edward? Why did you do that to poor Bella? I was only joking around.<p>

BELLA  
>It's okay, I'm just a little lightheaded. It might be because all of this blood flowing out of the huge gash in my head.<p>

JASPER  
>BLOOD!<p>

(EMMETT stops JASPER from running at BELLA.)

EMMETT  
>Oh, no baby! We've done so good baby! Don't cave in now! You can resist!<p>

BELLA  
>And I have a paper cut!<p>

JASPER  
>Must… drink… blood…<p>

BELLA  
>Oh! I think I started my period too!<p>

JASPER  
>I NEED BLOOD!<p>

(JACOB puts the bandana to BELLA's head as EMMETT and JASPER struggle.)

EDWARD  
>Get him out of here!<p>

EMMETT  
>Come on baby, just calm down. Back up. You don't want to hurt anyone. Just take it easy, baby. Come on.<p>

(EMMETT drags JASPER out.)

JACOB  
>Did you see that? Your vampire freak siblings almost tore Bella apart!<p>

EDWARD  
>I'm so sorry, Bella. Jacob, could you give us some space?<p>

JACOB  
>No, you almost killed her! I'm not going to leave her alone.<p>

(EDWARD throws a Frisbee offstage.)

JACOB  
>That's not going to-<p>

EDWARD  
>There boy, go fetch!<p>

(JACOB runs after it.)

BELLA  
>Edward, my love, don't worry. I still love you, even though you almost killed me.<p>

EDWARD  
>I'm so sorry. I think tonight has proved some things.<p>

BELLA  
>Like what?<p>

EDWARD  
>We can't be together. You might get hurt again.<p>

BELLA  
>But we love each other!<p>

EDWARD  
>I'm sorry. But I don't feel the same way.<p>

_Do you have the time  
>To listen to my rhyme<br>About nothing and everything  
>All at once<br>__I am one of those  
>Observatory freaks<br>Who watch you when you sleep  
>No doubt about it<em>

_Sometimes I give myself the creeps  
>Sometimes your mind plays tricks on me<br>It's just not adding up  
>'Cause I can't read your mind<br>Am I just a big freak?  
>Am I just stone?<em>

_I just really think  
>That those dreams need to stop<br>The ones with us and sex  
>Because they are gross<br>Not saying you're a whore  
>But your life is a bore<br>So quit your whining cause  
>It's bringing me down <em>

_Sometimes I give myself the creeps  
>Sometimes your mind plays tricks on me<br>It's just not adding up  
>'Cause I can't read your mind<br>Am I just a big freak?  
>Uh, yuh, yuh, ya<em>

_Grasping to control  
>So you better not hold on<em>

_Bella, I don't think it's work-ing  
>Because you're just a <em>_ding-a-ling  
>Now<em>_ it's adding up  
>I know we're breaking up<br>Are you delusional?  
>Am I not clear? <em>

BELLA  
>Edward… what are you trying to say?<p>

EDWARD  
>God, you stupid bitch! We're over!<p>

(EDWARD storms away.)

BELLA  
>No! Edward! My love! … I'll just curl up in a ball and die.<p>

(BELLA curls up in a ball and dies.)

CHARLIE (O.S.)  
>BELLA! Bella! BELLA!<p>

BILLY (O.S.)  
>BELLA! Where are you Bella?<p>

JACOB (O.S.)  
>BELLA! Can you hear me? Bella! Where are you?<p>

SAM (O.S.)  
>LITTLE GIRL! WHERE ARE YOU?<p>

(JAMES and VICTORIA walk over and stand over BELLA.)

JAMES  
>Shouldn't we just kill her now?<p>

VICTORIA  
>No, that would be anticlimactic. We have to wait for the mate to return, then we can make the kill…<p>

JAMES  
>Yes! The sexy vampire! Does that mean we aren't going to kill the mate?<p>

VICTORIA  
>No, you idiot. We're killing everyone. Even the audience. Get your act together.<p>

JAMES  
>This is an act. Act One, to be exact.<p>

VICTORIA  
>Shut up. It's almost over. Let's get out of here.<p>

(JAMES and VICTORIA walk away. JACOB and SAM walk on.)

JACOB  
>Bella? Bella! Bell- oh, hell! Bella, are you alright?<p>

BELLA  
>He's gone… gone…<p>

JACOB  
>I knew I shouldn't have left you with that freak. Come on. Let's get you home.<p>

(JACOB grabs BELLA's hands and SAM grabs her feet, and they carry her away.)

* * *

><p>Edward's little number was Basket GirlfriendBasket Case by Green Day. I hope you've enjoyed the musical so far. Act I is done. Go ahead and stretch, fetch a soda, stake a vampire. Then come back and settle yourself in for Act II. (And don't forget to review!)


	5. ACT II: Scene One

**ACT II  
><strong>**SCENE ONE**

(Everything is dark. BELLA has a pillow under her shirt to make her look fat. She is laying in the middle of the floor. She doesn't move as CHARLIE storms in.)

CHARLIE  
>Bella, you fat lard, get your ass out of bed!<p>

BELLA  
>Come on! Just let me vegetate for a few more months!<p>

CHARLIE  
>No, dammit! You're fat, you look like hell, and you smell! I will not have you moping about that guy for any longer!<p>

BELLA  
>Come on! A few more weeks? I promise not to cut my wrist anymore!<p>

CHARLIE  
>No! Get up now! Jacob's here to see you. You can either have sex with him or go down to La Push.<p>

BELLA  
>Fine! But I'm going to rebel!<p>

(CHARLIE storms away. BELLA stands up, does a few jumping jacks, and throws the pillow away. JACOB wheels in a plastic tricycle.)

JACOB  
>Hey, Bella. What's up?<p>

BELLA  
>I'm getting up! God, stop pressuring me.<p>

_Na, na, na, na, na, na, na  
>Na, na, na, na, na, na<br>Na, na, na, na, na, na, na  
>Na, na, na, na, na, na<em>

_I guess I just lost my boyfriend  
>He just walked out the door<br>So I'm gonna chill with Jacob  
>I won't be a loser no more<em>

_I got a brand new motorbike  
>And I'm gonna drive it tonight<br>I'm gonna get in trouble  
>I wanna start a fight<em>

_Na, na, na, na, na, na, na  
>I wanna ride it tonight<br>Na, na, na, na, na, na, na  
>I wanna ride it tonight<em>

_So, so what, I'm still an emo  
>I got my werewolf, so I don't need you<br>And guess what, I'm havin' more fun  
>And now that we're done I'm gonna show you, on my bike<em>

_I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool  
>So, so what, I am an emo<br>I got my new bike and I don't want you tonight_

_So now that I'm here with Jacob  
><em>_I think I'm just gonna use him  
>I know that there's probably some love<br>But he didn't teach me to swim_

_So what if this songs about Jacob?  
>I think that Edward should die<br>I'm gonna get in trouble  
>I'm gonna ride my new bike<em>

_Na, na, na, na, na, na, na  
>I'm gonna ride my new bike<br>Na, na, na, na, na, na, na  
>Yeah, I'll ride it tonight<em>

_So, so what, I'm still an emo  
>But I got my werewolf, I don't need you<br>And guess what, I'm havin' more fun  
>And now that we're done I'm gonna show you, on my bike<em>

_I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool  
>So, so what, I am an emo<br>I got my new bike and I don't want you tonight_

_You aren't here, you never were  
>You just left me and that's not fair<br>I gave you life, I gave my all  
>You pushed me down, you made me fall<em>

_So, so what, I'm still an emo  
>But I got my werewolf, I don't need you<br>And guess what, I'm havin' more fun  
>And now that we're done I'm gonna show you, on my bike<em>

_I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool  
>So, so what, I am an emo<br>I got my new bike and I don't want you tonight_

_I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a fool  
>So, so what, I am tough girl<br>I got my werewolf and I don't want you in my life_

(BELLA hops on the bike, petals a bit, and falls over.)

JACOB  
>Whoa, Bella, take it easy! I still need to fix it!<p>

BELLA  
>How long will it take to fix?<p>

JACOB  
>Well, how long will you put up with me?<p>

BELLA  
>Two weeks, give or take.<p>

JACOB  
>Two weeks it is! We better sneak it past Billy, though. He doesn't approve of stuff like this.<p>

BELLA  
>I'll distract him. You put it in the shed.<p>

(JACOB walks away with the bike.)

BELLA  
>Hey Billy, did I ever show you my tattoo? Or my piercing?<p>

(BELLA walks away and the lights dim.)

JAMES  
>Another hunk of supernatural hotness.<p>

VICTORIA  
>This could complicate things if she starts hanging out with the werewolf. They eat vampires, you know.<p>

JAMES  
>Oh, he can eat me any day.<p>

VICTORIA  
>Come on! Let's go strengthen our army!<p>

JAMES  
>Again with the army thing? I still think you're cheating on me.<p>

VICTORIA  
>At least it would be with the opposite sex! Yes, don't think I don't know what you did in Reno!<p>

JAMES  
>Ooh, that was below the belt…<p>

* * *

><p>So What, I Got My Werewolf So What? by P!nk... obviously. If you hadn't noticed, the Acts are broken up by the books (for the most part.) Act I = Twilight/The Teenage Failure Falls In Love With A Dead Guy, Act II = New Moon/The Book That Almost Let Jacob Leave The Friend Zone, Act III = Eclipse/The Book Where Nothing Happened, and Act IV = Breaking Dawn/The Book That Ended In Fairies And Unicorns Out The Ass.


	6. ACT II: Scene Two

**SCENE TWO**

(Four chairs are lined up in a row facing the audience. BELLA, JACOB, JESSICA, and MIKE are sitting in the chairs. JESSICA is wearing a crown.)

JESSICA  
>This movie sucks.<p>

MIKE  
>Wanna make-out?<p>

JESSICA  
>Sure, but I'd still rather have Bella's hot friend.<p>

MIKE  
>That's okay, because I'd rather have Bella.<p>

(MIKE and JESSICA start making out.)

JACOB  
>I'm glad you invited me along.<p>

BELLA  
>You were actually a last moment fill in. I lost my super popularity when I became a bitch and totally isolated my friends for months on end. Funny, how that happened.<p>

JACOB  
>Oh, right, that. Well, I'm glad I came anyways.<p>

BELLA  
>I'm bored.<p>

JACOB  
>Wanna make out?<p>

BELLA  
>No, you're too young for me. Even though you suddenly look like you're thirty years old.<p>

JACOB  
>Fine. But I want you to know that I love you.<p>

BELLA  
>Shh. I'm watching the movie.<p>

JACOB  
>OH! That just makes me so emotional!<p>

(JACOB runs away.).

JESSICA  
>Geeze, what was his problem?<p>

MIKE  
>Don't know. Hey, Bella, you wanna make out?<p>

BELLA  
>No…<p>

(A small puppy walks in.)

JESSICA  
>Oh, look at the puppy!<p>

BELLA  
>Oh, he's adorable!<p>

(BELLA and JESSICA start cuddling the puppy.)

MIKE  
>Hello? I thought that we were watching a movie here!<p>

JESSICA  
>Shut up!<p>

BELLA  
>How did this little puppy get into the movie theater?<p>

JESSICA  
>I don't know, but he sure likes you! God, does everyone have to like you more than me?<p>

MIKE  
>Yeah, Jess, you're still a bitch.<p>

JESSICA  
>Aw, he's humping your leg. How cute.<p>

BELLA  
>Well, I better go find Jacob. You two will be okay without me, right?<p>

JESSICA  
>You're leaving me with this loser?<p>

MIKE  
>Oh shut up and let me put my tongue down your throat.<p>

* * *

><p>Ah... the wonderful relationship of Mike and Jessica...<p> 


	7. ACT II: Scene Three?

**SCENE THREE?**

(BELLA and JACOB walk on together. JACOB is pushing the tricycle.)

JACOB  
>So, I know you can't help me with this at all, but you can entertain me.<p>

BELLA  
>Entertain you?<p>

(BELLA rolls around on the floor and starts taking her clothes off.)

JACOB  
>Well, if you want you can do that, but I meant that we could talk.<p>

BELLA  
>Oh, that's cool too. I just love spending time with you.<p>

JACOB  
><em>What would you think if I sang out of tune<br>__Would you stand up and walk out on me  
><em>_Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song  
><em>_and I'll try not to sing out of key_

JACOB and BELLA  
><em>Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends<br>__Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends  
><em>_Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends_

BELLA  
><em>What do I do when my love is away<em>

JACOB  
><em>Does it worry you to be alone<br>__How do you feel by the end of the day  
><em>_Are you sad because you're on your own_

BELLA  
><em>No, I get by with a little help from my friends<br>__Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends  
><em>_Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends_

JACOB  
><em>Do you need anybody<em>

BELLA  
><em>I need somebody to love<em>

JACOB  
><em>Could it be anybody<em>

BELLA  
><em>I want somebody otherthanyou to love<em>

JACOB  
><em>Would you believe in a love at first sight<em>

BELLA  
><em>Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time<em>

JACOB  
><em>What do you see when you turn out the light<em>

BELLA  
><em>I can't tell you, but I know it's mine<em>

JACOB and BELLA  
><em>Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends<br>__Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends  
><em>_Oh, Gonna try with a little help from my friends_

_Do you need anybody  
><em>_I just need someone to love  
><em>_Could it be anybody  
><em>_I want somebody to love_

_Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends  
><em>_Mm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends  
><em>_Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends  
><em>_Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends,  
><em>_with a little help from my friends_

BELLA  
>You know, I really hate music. Edward listened to music once so now anything with a tune makes me want to die again.<p>

JACOB  
>So Cullen ruined the entire point of a musical too? He might as well just rip my heart out and eat it too.<p>

BELLA  
>He's a vampire, not a zombie.<p>

JACOB  
>Whatever, they're both equally pale and blood-covered.<p>

SAM (O.S.)  
>So, Jacob, come on, it's time for our daily-<p>

JACOB  
>SAM! Bella's here!<p>

SAM (O.S.)  
>Sorry dude, but you know the drill. Get your ass out here<p>

BELLA  
>What's he talking about? You aren't joining a gang, are you?<p>

JACOB  
>Of course not! I'm just going to go do some… super secret Indian stuff. You know, dancing and stuff. You just… chill here, and I'll be back.<p>

(JACOB walks to the right side of the stage. The lights dim on BELLA as SAM and INDIANS go to JACOB.)

SAM  
>Okay, Jake is here. We can start.<p>

(BELLA slowly walks towards the INDIANS.)

INDIANS  
><em>We are werewolves, we are werewolves, we are werewolves, we are werewolves.<em>

(They start dancing in a circle.)

INDIANS  
><em>We are werewolves, we are werewolves, we are werewolves, we are werewolves.<em>

(BELLA takes a few more steps forward.)

BELLA  
>Jacob!<p>

JACOB  
>Oh! Bella! It's not what you think!<p>

BELLA  
>Actually, I think the chant was pretty clear. You're a werewolf! How could you not tell me?<p>

JACOB  
>I'm sorry, but I couldn't!<p>

SAM  
>Yeah. I commanded him to, and he's my bitch, so he had to. No hard feelings.<p>

JACOB  
>We can just be better friends now! Yays!<p>

SAM  
>MAN UP! That's an order.<p>

JACOB  
>Yes sir! What I meant to say was Bella, let's go watch some sports while I bang you. How about it?<p>

SAM  
>Manlier.<p>

JACOB  
>While fishing.<p>

SAM  
>Manlier!<p>

JACOB  
>On top of a rhino!<p>

SAM  
>MANLIER!<p>

JACOB  
>WHILE WREASTLING AN ALLIGATOR, RUBBING DIRT ON MY FACE, AND TALKING ABOUT BOOBS!<p>

SAM  
>Good. Now, continue!<p>

INDIANS  
><em>We are werewolves, we are werewolves, we are werewolves, we are werewolves.<em>

BELLA  
>Right… I think I'm going to go home.<p>

* * *

><p>AND HIS SECRET IS OUT! Haha. I amuse myself. The song is With A Little Help From My Friends by The (wonderful) Beatles. (The title may not actually be right, I'm not too knowledgable on Beatles songs.) Also, please take a moment to jump around in the circle chanting like the werewolves. It'll make you feel better.<br>(Don't forget to review!)


	8. ACT II: Scene Four Maybe

**SCENE FOUR… MAYBE**

EDWARD (O.S.)  
>Calm down, ladies. I'll be back tomorrow. There's more than enough Edward to go around.<p>

(EDWARD walks on, and looks at the audience in surprise.)

EDWARD  
>You'll all still here? Well, what I mean to say, is, uh… Yeah. I miss Betsy. Bethany. Brittney.<p>

BELLA (O.S.)  
>Bella!<p>

EDWARD  
>What? Naw, I don't miss that bitch. She was nothing but baggage.<p>

(JASPER and EMMETT walk onstage with JASPER'S hand in EMMETT's pocket. EMMETT is carrying a basket.)

JASPER  
>Look, we're going to need the house for a while. I know that you need somewhere to bang your Team Edward fan girls, but me and Emmett are going to be really loud…<p>

EMMETT  
>Oh, baby, I love when you talk dirty like that.<p>

EDWARD  
>Fine. I'm going to go roam around endlessly and be depressed about Boston.<p>

JASPER  
>You mean Bella?<p>

EDWARD  
>No, I mean Boston. The Red Socks aren't doing so hot this year.<p>

EMMETT  
>Well, send us a postcard, in case we have to find you for an important psychic message.<p>

EDWARD  
>Right. Peace, my brother.<p>

(EDWARD does a complicated handshake including a full-body bump, a twist, and spitting before leaving.)

JASPER  
>Now, it's time to get down to business…<p>

_I gotta feeling  
>That tonight's gonna be a good night<br>That tonight's gonna be a good night  
>That tonight's gonna be a good good night<em>

EMMETT  
><em>I gotta feeling<br>__That tonight's gonna be a good night  
>That tonight's gonna be a good night<br>That tonight's gonna be a good good night_

(EMMETT pulls a blanket out of the basket.)

JASPER  
><em>I gotta feeling <em>

EMMETT  
><em>(Oooh, hoooo)<em>

JASPER  
><em>That tonight's gonna be a good nigh<br>That tonight's gonna be a good night  
>That tonight's gonna be a good good night<em>

(They spread the blanket out to the right.)

EMMETT and JASPER  
><em>I gotta feeling (ooooh hoooo)<br>__that tonight's gonna be a good night  
>that tonight's gonna be a good night<br>That tonight's gonna be a good good night_

JASPER  
><em>Tonight's the night night<br>Let's live it up  
>I got my Emmett<br>Let's sex it up  
>Go out and spank it<br>Like he's my god  
>Come out that closet<br>Let's get get OFF_

(JASPER pulls a bottle of wine and two glasses out of the basket.)

EMMETT  
><em>I know that we'll have a ball<br>If we get down  
>And go out<br>And just loose it all  
>I feel stressed out<br>I wanna let it go  
>Lets go way out spaced out<br>And loosing all control_

JASPER  
><em>Fill up my cup<br>Mozoltov  
>Don't need that clothing<br>Just take it off  
>Lets rock this town<br>They'll shut it down  
>Let's just have sex<br>And then we'll do it again_

EMMETT and JASPER  
><em>Lets do it, Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, and do it, and do it<br>And live it up  
><em>_And do it, and do it, and do it do it do it,  
><em>_let's do it, and do it, and do it_

(EMMETT pulls out a candle.)

JASPER  
><em>I gotta feeling<br>__That tonight's gonna be a good night  
>That tonight's gonna be a good night<br>That tonight's gonna be a good good night _

EMMETT  
><em>I gotta feeling<br>__That tonight's gonna be a good night  
>That tonight's gonna be a good night<br>That tonight's gonna be a good good night _

JASPER  
><em>Tonight's the night night<br>Let's live it up  
>I got my Emmett<br>Let's sex it up  
>Go out and spank it<em>

EMMETT  
><em>Like he's my god<br>Come out that closet  
>Lets get get OFF<em>

JASPER  
><em>Fill up my cup <em>

EMMETT  
><em>(Drink)<em>

JASPER  
><em>Mozolotov <em>

EMMETT  
><em>(Lime)<em>

JASPER  
><em>Look at him dancing <em>

EMMETT  
><em>(Move it Move it)<em>

JASPER  
><em>Just take it off<br>Lets rock this town  
>They'll shut it down<br>Let's just have sex  
>And then we'll do it again<em>

EMMETT and JASPER  
><em>Lets do it, Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, and do it, and do it<br>And live it up  
><em>_And do it, and do it, and do it do it do it,  
><em>_let's do it, and do it, and do it_

(EMMETT bends over and JASPER thrusts at his butt.)

JASPER  
><em>Don't you come<br>Here we go  
>We're gonna rock<br>Easy come  
>Don't you go<br>Now I'm on top  
>Feel the shot<br>Body rock  
>Rock it don't stop<br>Round and round  
>Up and down<br>Around the clock_

(JASPER stops.)

EMMETT  
><em>Monday, Tuesday,<br>Wednesday, Thursday,  
>Friday, Saturday,<br>Saturday and Sunday_

JASPER  
><em>Get get get get get with me<br>__You know what they say  
>Vamp-party everyday<em>

EMMETT  
><em>(P-p-p-party)<em>

JASPER  
><em>Vamp-party everyday<em>

EMMETT and JASPER  
><em>I gotta feeling<br>__That tonight gonna be a good night  
>That tonight's gonna be a good night<br>That tonight's gonna be a good good night_

JASPER  
><em>I gotta feeling<br>__That tonight gonna be a good night  
>That tonight's gonna be a good night<br>That tonight's gonna be a good good night_

EMMETT  
><em>(Whoooo hoooo)<em>

(JASPER pulls a book out of the basket.)

JASPER  
>So, let's continue our discussion on American Literature.<p>

EMMETT  
>Of course. What else would we be doing?<p>

(Lights go down on the stage right. JACOB and BELLA walk on stage left. JACOB has the tricycle.)

JACOB  
>Are you sure you want to do this, Bella? You might get hurt.<p>

BELLA  
>That's okay. I like to be dangerous. I'm still rebelling.<p>

JACOB  
>Well, just don't go too fast, because I'll only love you as long as your heart's still beating.<p>

BELLA  
>That's cold. Like Edward was. Great, now you've got me depressed again! I'm going back into hiding!<p>

JACOB  
>No! Ride the bike! Go kill yourself!<p>

(BELLA gets on.)

BELLA  
>No problem! Now I can hallucinate about my boyfriend! Because that's not weird at all!<p>

(BELLA rides offstage.)

JACOB  
>No! Not the cliff!<p>

(JACOB runs after her. The lights come back on stage right. JASPER is shaking.)

EMMETT  
>Baby? Baby! What's wrong?<p>

JASPER  
>I'm… having a vision… my vamp-y sense is tingling!<p>

EMMETT  
>Oh! What do you see?<p>

JASPER  
>A field. A bike. A tree. A lake.<p>

EMMETT  
><em>One of these things is not like the other! <em>The bike: it's man-made.

JASPER  
>Bella. Then, everything goes blank. I think Bella is in trouble.<p>

EMMETT  
>We better tell Edward!<p>

(JASPER pulls a banana out of the basket and uses it as a phone. EDWARD walks on stage left and answers.)

EDWARD  
>Wazzzzz uuuppppp?<p>

JASPER  
>Bella is in trouble. I think she might have killed herself.<p>

EDWARD  
>Seriously? Not cool.<p>

JASPER  
>If you want, I'll go back to Forks and check things out.<p>

EDWARD  
>Okay. In the meantime, I'm going to go have the Volturi kill me, since I'm already in Italy.<p>

JASPER  
>No, that's not a good ide-<p>

(EDWARD peels the banana and eats it. JASPER looks at his banana in disbelief.)

JASPER  
>He hung up on me.<p>

EMMETT  
>Well, come on! We have to go check out Bella!<p>

JASPER  
>Excuse me? You better not be checking out that girl.<p>

(JASPER and EMMETT stand up and pack up their basket.)

EMMETT  
>Oh, baby! No, I didn't mean it like that! I was just-<p>

JASPER  
>Talk to the hand!<p>

(JASPER and EMMETT walk off. JAMES and VICTORIA walk on.)

JAMES  
>So, now we attack?<p>

(They slowly walk across the stage.)

VICTORIA  
>Nope. We've still got to wait. We don't want to make too complicated of a plot. It might confuse people. The only people interested in a stupid story about a love triangle where a young girl has to chose between bestiality and necrophilia would be very young girls.<p>

JAMES  
>Ah. Got it.<p>

* * *

><p>Hahahaha. I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas. Because of that song this may have needed to be rated M... but nawwww... it's fiiine. I wrote this a while ago, and I'm considering going back and adding a ke$ha song somewhere. Maybe I'll give it to Alice (yep, she's a-comin') later on... I don't think that she has her own song...<p> 


	9. ACT II: Scene Five

**SCENE FIVE**

(VOLTURI are sitting in a row. MARCUS is on the right sleeping, ARO is in the middle, and CAIUS is on the left doing his nails.)

EDWARD (O.S.)  
>Yo? Is this the Volturi?<p>

CAIUS  
>Yes. You may proceed. But! Do it with caution.<p>

(EDWARD walks in and goes behind the three vampires. He hugs ARO from behind and rests his head on his shoulder.)

EDWARD  
>Yo, my man Aro, I need you to do me a favor.<p>

ARO  
>Is that so?<p>

EDWARD  
>Yeah, I need you to kill me. I'm real depressed, and I don't know how to die.<p>

MARCUS  
>It sucks… doesn't it? Not being able to commit suicide…?<p>

EDWARD  
>Yeah. So, you know, I need you to rip me to pieces then burn me.<p>

CAIUS  
>You're a hundred and seven-year-old virgin. Your breath smells. You have bad hair. Your fangs are dull and yellow. Your girlfriend is <em>U-G-L-Y! She ain't got no alibi!<em>Your body is revolting. You're a pedophile. That clothespin makes you look mentally retarded. You're a freak for killing Bambi, Thumper, and all their woodland friends. Your girlfriend picked a literal dog over you. And, your clothes are outdated.

ARO  
>Oh, burn!<p>

EDWARD  
>That's so mean.<p>

MARCUS  
>Isn't life?<p>

EDWARD  
>And that's soooooo not what I meant. I mean I need you to literally rip me up into pieces and burn me.<p>

MARCUS  
>Middle school was a lonely time for me…<p>

ARO  
>Oh. We can't do that.<p>

CAIUS  
>Yeah. You're too sexy to kill.<p>

EDWARD  
>Fine! I'll go sparkle somewhere else!<p>

CAIUS  
>Nice shoes, too.<p>

MARCUS  
>If only I had a bigger dick…<p>

* * *

><p>*cough* I really do hope that some Red Socks fans are reading this. I'm not one, personally, but the vampires sure do love them.<p> 


	10. ACT II: Scene Six

**SCENE SIX**

(CHARLIE is sitting reading a newspaper. JACOB leads BELLA to CHARLIE slowly. BELLA's entire head is wrapped up.)

CHARLIE  
>Nice to see you, Jacob. Is that a blow-up doll of my daughter Bella? I'm glad that UPS got it to you quickly.<p>

JACOB  
>No, this is Bella. She just got into a little accident.<p>

CHARLIE  
>Thank god. Now I don't have to look at that awful face.<p>

BELLA  
>I can still hear you.<p>

CHARLIE  
>Oh? She can still talk?<p>

JASPER (O.S.)  
>Ding dong!<p>

CHARLIE  
>Maybe it's your dad, Jacob. Come on in!<p>

JASPER  
>Bella! Is she okay?<p>

CHARLIE  
>Unfortunately. Who are you?<p>

JACOB  
>He's one of them.<p>

CHARLIE  
>Who?<p>

JACOB  
>The group of Goths who smoke behind the school, polluting our air.<p>

CHARLIE  
>Unbelievable! I'd shoot you right now if I hadn't lost my gun in a game of manly strip poker!<p>

JASPER  
>I need to talk to Bella. Alone. It's urgent.<p>

JACOB  
>Over my dead body!<p>

(JASPER and JACOB start slapping each other.)

BELLA  
>Stop! What do you need to talk about?<p>

JASPER  
>It's Edward! He's gone to the Volturi to kill himself!<p>

BELLA  
>Oh no! I don't know who the Volturi are, but I better help save the man who threw me to the curb like the trash I really am!<p>

(BELLA walks two steps, trips, and rolls all the way across the stage.)

BELLA  
>I'll save you Edward!<p>

JASPER  
>You're going the wrong way! Come on, I'll take you there.<p>

(JASPER runs over and helps her up.)

BELLA  
>Where?<p>

JASPER  
>To the batmobil! Come on, we better hurry!<p>

(JASPER and BELLA run off stage right.)

CHARLIE  
>Be back by ten! It's a school night!<p>

JACOB  
>Oh! I'm so emotional!<p>

(JACOB runs off stage left. A puppy comes on.)

CHARLIE  
>Hey there, little guy! I know just what to do with you! I have this new Korean recipe I've been wanting to try…<p>

(CHARLIE walks off. The stage is dark and all cast members but BELLA and JASPER come on. They stand spaced out and facing away from the audience.)

BELLA (O.S.)  
>Are you sure you know how to drive?<p>

JASPER (O.S.)  
>Of course!<p>

(JASPER and BELLA run onto the stage side-by-side. JASPER is holding a steering wheel. BELLA's head is still wrapped up.)

BELLA  
>Where are we going?<p>

JASPER  
>To the only sunny spot in all of Italy! It's where Edward will be!<p>

BELLA  
>Okay!<p>

(JASPER and BELLA drive around and knock everyone over before running off. Everyone but EDWARD clears the stage.)

EDWARD  
>It's time. I'm going to let them see me sparkle.<p>

ARO (O.S.)  
>No one is even watching you.<p>

EDWARD  
>I'm going to do it.<p>

(EDWARD takes off his shirt.)

ARO (O.S.)  
>Nope. Still no onlookers.<p>

CAIUS (O.S.)  
>And its not even sunny.<p>

(BELLA and JASPER run back onstage.)

BELLA  
>I see him! Come on, we're almost there!<p>

JASPER  
>I can't go into that patch of light, or my skin will breakout! You'll have to go yourself.<p>

BELLA  
>Alright!<p>

(BELLA begins running at EDWARD in slow motion.)

ARO (O.S.)  
>A human! Caius, arrest him!<p>

(CAIUS comes on.)

CAIUS  
><em>Bad boy bad boy, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when we come for you? <em>Come on, you bad boy. We're going to arrest you for being so sexy.

ARO (O.S.)  
>It's actually because he showed his magical sparkles to a human. Let's go.<p>

(CAIUS and EDWARD walk off stage right as BELLA gets to them. She continues to run offstage in slow motion. The lights go off and JASPER goes off stage left. The VOLTURI's chairs are arranged again. MARCUS sits in the one on the right with a gun to his head. The lights go on. ARO, CAIUS, and EDWARD come on.)

EDWARD  
>Ha! You can kill me now!<p>

(MARCUS pulls the trigger of the gun a few times before throwing it away.)

MARCUS  
>If only it were that easy…<p>

(VOLDEMORT storms onstage and points his wand at MARCUS.)

VOLDEMORT  
>Avada Ke- Wait. You're not Harry Potter. What the hell?<p>

EDWARD  
>Oh. How's is goin', Moldy?<p>

VOLDEMORT  
>I remember you! Didn't I kill you in the last movie?<p>

EDWARD  
>Yeah. That's why I'm now the undead.<p>

VOLDEMORT  
>Oh. Well, you know I had to do it, right? No hard feelings?<p>

EDWARD  
>Nope. Now I'm more than a spare. I'm the lead roll in a movie that will cause fangirls to flock to me.<p>

VOLEMORT  
>Oh. That's good, I guess.<p>

(VOLDEMORT and EDWARD shake hands. VOLDEMORT pulls EDWARD's hand forward and looks at it.)

VOLDEMORT  
>What the fuck is all of this sparkling shit?<p>

EDWARD  
>I'm a vampire. I sparkle.<p>

VOLDEMORT  
>No, Severus Snape, that sexy Death Eater, was a vampire. You should have just stayed dead. God. And by god, I mean me.<p>

MARCUS  
>Ah… to have to power of giving and taking away life…<p>

ARO  
>So, why are you here? Exactly?<p>

VOLDEMORT  
>Well, I thought the signs said Voldemort.<p>

CAIUS  
>No, they said Volturi. You're welcome to join us, though, you handsome wizard you.<p>

VOLDEMORT  
>Nope. People to kill, dark deeds to do. See you.<p>

(VOLDEMORT leaves. CAIUS pushes EDWARD to his knees and him and ARO take their seats. BELLA begins running slow-mo onto the stage, towards them.)

ARO  
>I guess we do have to kill you.<p>

CAIUS  
>Shame.<p>

BELLA  
>No!… Don't… Kill… Him!…<p>

ARO  
>You want to kill yourself because that girl is dead? I think you lied to us.<p>

EDWARD  
>I thought she was, but since she's alive, you better kill me faster.<p>

(BELLA continues to do everything in slow-mo.)

BELLA  
>ED…WARD!…<p>

(She slowly trips and slowly lays down, before slowly rolling over to ARO's feet.)

BELLA  
>Don't… Kill…. Him!…<p>

ARO  
>Fine, but on the condition that you become a vampire. Maybe that will make you a little less retarded.<p>

BELLA  
>Thank… You…!<p>

(CAIUS picks up his chair and hits BELLA with it.)

CASIUS  
>YOUR SHOES DON'T MATCH YOUR OUTFIT!<p>

(The lights go down.)

* * *

><p>I'm lol-ing. It's been a while since I've written this. (Before Vampires Suck, for that matter.) I hope you enjoyed Act II. I technically should have listed this as a HPTwilight crossover fic, but those make me want to throw up... so no. Onto Act III! (Review, please!)


	11. ACT III: Scene One

**ACT III  
><strong>**SCENE ONE**

(VICTORIA and JAMES are sitting in the middle of the stage with a game of Connect Four.)

JAMES  
>Was our army dying a delayed death from alcohol poisoning part of the plan?<p>

VICTORIA  
>No, but now we can use it to our advantage. Now we can skip ahead to the fourth book in the series. It will save everyone some grief.<p>

JAMES  
>Are you serious? We're supposed to be the base of the entire plot for the third book?<p>

VICTORIA  
>Actually, you died a while back, so it's just me and my army, but yeah. I think they're also some romance but, other than that, it's just you and me.<p>

JAMES  
>Shame. Maybe if our army wouldn't have all died there would have been some really cool fight scenes and some really cool battle songs.<p>

VICTORIA  
>If you want, we could still sing a song.<p>

JAMES  
>No… I'm not really in the mood.<p>

VICTORIA  
>Come on….<p>

JAMES  
>Oh, alright. Let's get this duet out of the way.<p>

_Risin' up, back on the street  
>Did my time, took my chances<br>Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet  
>Just a man and his will to survive<em>

VICTORIA  
><em>So many times, it happens too fast<br>You change your passion for glory  
>Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past<br>You must fight just to keep them alive_

JAMES and VICTORIA  
><em>It's the, eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight<br>Risin' up to the challenge of our rival  
>And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night<br>__And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger…_

JAMES  
><em>Face to face, out in the hea<br>Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry  
>They stack the odds still we take to the street<br>For the kill with the skill to survive_

JAMES and VICTORIA  
><em>It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight<br>Risin' up to the challenge of our rival  
>And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night<br>And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger…_

VICTORIA  
><em>Risin' up, straight to the top<br>Had the guts, got the glory  
>Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop<br>Just a man and his will to survive_

JAMES and VICTORIA  
><em>It's the, eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight<br>Risin' up to the challenge of our rival  
>And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night<br>And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger…  
><em>_The eye of the tiger…_

VICTORIA  
><em>The eye of the tiger…<em>

JAMES  
><em>The eye of the tiger…<em>

JAMES and VICTORIA  
><em>The eye of the tiger…<em>

VICTORIA  
>Well, now that that's out of the way.<p>

JAMES  
>Yeah, unless you have anything else to add.<p>

VICTORIA  
>Nope.<p>

* * *

><p>Eye of the Tiger by Survivor. If it was boring, imagine them singing why fighting kung fo, because if this was a real musical, that's what they'd be doing.<p> 


	12. ACT III: Scene Two

**SCENE TWO**

(BELLA is standing in the middle of the stage. JACOB is on the far left, and EDWARD is on the far right. There are two chairs at the back of the stage.)

EDWARD  
>Bella, my love, come back to me. I'm sorry for leaving you alone to waste away and become slightly suicidal, but I still love you!<p>

JACOB  
>No, pick me! I helped you when you were depressed, and I love you more!<p>

EDWARD  
>No, I love her more. I'm 107 years old, and this is my first real girlfriend. I love her way more!<p>

JACOB  
>I'm a hormonal teenager! I love her more!<p>

EDWARD  
>I love you more, Bella! Pick me!<p>

JACOB  
>No, I love you more! Pick me!<p>

EDWARD  
>Necrophilia!<p>

JACOB  
>Bestiality!<p>

EDWARD  
>Pick me!<p>

JACOB  
>Pick me!<p>

EDWARD and JACOB  
>Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!<p>

EDWARD  
>She's mine!<p>

JACOB  
>Mine!<p>

BELLA  
>Hold up now. Come here.<p>

(JACOB and EDWARD walk towards BELLA. She walks them back and pushes them into the chairs before returning to center stage. ALICE and ROALIE come on and stand on either side of her.)

BELLA  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

ALICE and ROSALIE  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

BELLA  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

ALICE and ROSALIE  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

BELLA  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

ALICE and ROSALIE  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

BELLA  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

_Now put your hands up  
><em>_Up in the club, we just broke up  
>I'm doing my own little thing<br>Decided to dip and now you wanna trip  
>Cause another brother noticed me<br>I'm up on him, he up on me  
>Don't pay him any attention<br>Just cried my tears, for three good years  
>Ya can't be mad at me<em>

_Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it<br>Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it<br>Oh, oh, oh_

ALICE and ROSALIE  
><em>If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it<br>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
>Don't be mad once you see that he want it<br>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it_

BELLA  
><em>I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips<br>Got me tighter than your vampire genes  
>Acting up, drink in my cup<br>I can care less what you think  
>I need no permission, did I mention<br>Don't pay him any attention  
>Cause you had your turn and now you gonna learn<br>What it really feels like to miss me_

_Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it<br>Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it<br>Oh, oh, oh_

ALICE and ROSALIE  
><em>If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it<br>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
>Don't be mad once you see that he want it<br>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
>Oh, oh, oh<em>

BELLA  
><em>Don't treat me to the things of the world<br>I'm not that kind of girl  
>Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve<br>Here's a man that makes me then takes me  
>And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond<br>Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you own  
>If you don't, you'll be alone<br>And like a ghost I'll be gone_

BELLA  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

ALICE and ROSALIE  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

BELLA  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

ALICE and ROSALIE  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

BELLA  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

ALICE and ROSALIE  
><em>All the single ladies<em>

BELLA  
><em>All the single ladies<br>__Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh_

_Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it  
>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it<br>Don't be mad once you see that he want it  
>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it<br>Oh, oh, oh_

ALL THREE  
><em>If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it<br>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
>Don't be mad once you see that he want it<br>If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it  
>Oh, oh, oh<em>

(ALICE and ROSALIE dance away. JACOB and EDWARD race to BELLA and kneel down.)

JACOB  
>Bella, will you-<p>

EDWARD  
>Fine. Bella, will you marry me?<p>

BELLA  
>Yes! Of course!<p>

JACOB  
>Fuck this. I'm going to Canada.<p>

* * *

><p>If only you could see my version of the single ladies dance... as well as visulize Bella and Alice and Rosalie dancing to it... welll... you fo sho hit me up with a review :)<p> 


	13. ACT IV: Scene One

**ACT IV  
><strong>**SCENE ONE**

(INDIANS are sitting in a circle.)

INDIAN ONE  
>We need Jacob back. The scent of vampire is getting stronger.<p>

INDIAN TWO  
>Yeah. And I miss him.<p>

SAM  
>Man up, you two!<p>

INDIANS  
>But-!<p>

SAM  
>Come on! We have to sing a manly song! About fighting and sex and girls!<p>

ALL INDIANS  
><em>I'm like a werewolf in morning and at dinner time<br>I'm a mean dog if I don't get my way  
>I rip and tear and always draw blood like a real canine<br>And with my friends I howl all day _

SAM  
><em>Dog kibble, rawhide bone, those don't meet my needs<br>I'll get a steak or I'll eat your keys  
>And after I'm done eating all my meat I'll find myself a real par-tay<br>Now you listen to my werewolf cry  
><em>_Never wanna live in a suit and tie  
>Most of us are just livin a lie<br>That's why we get fucked up every night_

ALL INDIANS  
><em>Oh I'll get drunk all night<br>Oh I'll get drunk all day  
>Oh I'll get drunk all night<br>I'm sorry but I have to say  
>I'm too drunk to fuck<em>

_Now the party was jumpin  
>And the girls were fine, with the lipstick summer glaze<br>I got so many women comin after me  
>I put some pussy on layaway<em>

SAM  
><em>I was smoked out, tore up, drunk as fuck<br>And I wouldn't wanna change a thing  
>Young and dumb and full of cum<br>With a sugar loaded candy cane  
>I could spend my lifetime getting high<br>Never wanna live in a suit and tie  
>Most of us are just livin a lie<br>That's why we get fucked up every night_

ALL INDIANS  
><em>Oh I'll get drunk all night<br>Oh I'll get drunk all day  
>Oh I'll get drunk all night<br>Oh I'll get drunk all day  
>Oh I'll get drunk all night<br>Oh I'll get drunk all day  
>Oh I'll get drunk all night<br>I'm sorry but I have to say  
>I'm too drunk to fuck ya!<br>I'm too drunk to fuck ya!_

_I can't eat, can't sleep, and I'm bored as fuck  
>And the girl I want just walked away<br>She just found out I'm too drunk to fuck  
>It looks like I'm not getting laid<br>I could spend my lifetime getting high  
>Never wanna live in a suit and tie<br>Most of us are just livin a lie  
>That's why we get fucked up every nigh<em>_t_

_Oh I'll get drunk all night  
>Oh I'll get drunk all day<br>Oh I'll get drunk all night  
>Oh I'll get drunk all day<em>

SAM  
><em>Oh I'll get drunk all night<br>Oh I'll get drunk all day  
>Oh I'll get drunk all night<br>I'm sorry but I have to say  
>I'm too drunk to fuck ya!<br>I'm too drunk to fuck ya!  
>I'm too drunk to fuck ya<em>

_Somebody help me_

ALL INDIANS  
><em>Lord have mercy, Somebody help me<br>I'm can't fucking breathe  
>I'm too drunk to fuck! <em>

INDIAN ONE  
>I don't think that this sounds like Edward Cullen. He doesn't drink alcohol.<p>

SAM  
>And that's why we hate those no good bloodsuckers!<p>

(INDIANS move to the side of the stage and begin their 'we are werewolves' dance. VICTORIA and JAMES walk on the other side.)

VICTORIA  
>We'll have to think of a way to get around those werewolves. They're guarding Bella.<p>

JAMES  
>Is that what that was? Guarding Bella? I thought that they were trying to kill all living creatures within a two mile radius with those voices.<p>

VICTORIA  
>Be nice.<p>

JAMES  
>What?<p>

VICTORIA  
>Just kidding. We're going to kill them anyways.<p>

* * *

><p>Too Drunk by The Dropkick Murpheys (ehh, not only could that be spelled wrong, but I could be mistaken on the artist because it's been so long since I wrote this)<br>Yep, I am wrong. It's by Buckcherry. Which makes more since, since there aren't any bagpipes... I'm saving the Dropkick Murpheys for later...


	14. ACT IV: Scene Two

**SCENE TWO**

(BELLA and ALICE are sitting at a table looking through magazines.)

ALICE  
>Yes! I get to use you as my Barbie doll! How fun!<p>

BELLA  
>Even though it was my plan to get married, I hate having to plan my wedding. I'm going to complain about it. Constantly. Just like the rain. And the cold. Whine. Whine. Whine.<p>

ALICE  
>Shut up, you whiney little bitch, and be my best friend!<p>

BELLA  
>Fine, but I'm still going to protest your piling designer clothes that don't smell bad and don't make me look like a 12-year-old boy, because I am still rebelling.<p>

ALICE  
>Whatever Barbie. I mean, Bella.<p>

BELLA  
>So, will you be the one to turn me?<p>

ALICE  
>But, why? Then you couldn't be with Edward!<p>

BELLA  
>What? Why?<p>

ALICE  
>Because, he'd be in constant competition with whatever girl threw herself your way. And believe me, you look like a dyke, so you'd be getting a lot of offers.<p>

BELLA  
>What are you talking about?<p>

ALICE  
>You wanted me to turn you gay?<p>

BELLA  
>Um… no. I wanted you to turn me into a vampire. You know, 'cause the Volturi will kill us all if you don't.<p>

ALICE  
>They can never catch me, because of my magic vamp-y power.<p>

BELLA  
>What, you mean your magical ability to see the future?<p>

ALICE  
>No, silly, that's Jasper's gift. Mine is to turn invisible. Watch.<p>

BELLA  
>Okay, I'm ready.<p>

ALICE  
>For what? I'm invisible.<p>

BELLA  
>No… you're not…<p>

ALICE  
>Yes, I am. You can see right through me.<p>

BELLA  
>No, I can see you. I don't think that crossing your fingers makes you invisible.<p>

ALICE  
>But Rosalie said she couldn't see me! I followed her around like this for a week and make funny faces at her.<p>

BELLA  
>Well, she lied to you… or you've lost your touch…?<p>

ALICE  
>I better go have a word with her.<p>

(ALICE throws a magazine at BELLA's head and storm away. EDWARD walks in and sits where ALICE was.)

EDWARD  
>What was she so huffy about?<p>

BELLA  
>She… um… had her period.<p>

EDWARD  
>She's a vampire. All of our bodily fluid is actually venom. You should remember this, in case of the event that we swap bodily fluids.<p>

BELLA  
>Whatever. You didn't see her anyways. She was invisible.<p>

EDWARD  
>Right. Well, I wanted to talk to you about your turning into a vampire.<p>

BELLA  
>What about it?<p>

EDWARD  
>Maybe we should put it off.<p>

BELLA  
>Why?<p>

EDWARD  
>Because I'm concerned about your soul.<p>

BELLA  
>Oh, don't worry about that. I lost it to the pool boy in fifth grade.<p>

EDWARD  
>No, not your virginity. Your soul.<p>

BELLA  
>Oh. But, I don't want to grow old! The Swans don't age well. Just look at Charlie.<p>

EDWARD  
>I still think we should wait.<p>

BELLA  
>But… I don't want to wait… I don't want to be old.<p>

_When I get older losing my flair,  
>A few years from now,<br>Will you still be sending me a valentine  
>Birthday sex, listen to me whine?<em>

_If I look like I'm a hundred and three  
>Would you lock the door,<br>Will you still need me, will you still feed me,  
>When I'm sixty-four?<br>oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oooo_

_You'll be older too, (ah ah ah ah ah)  
>And if you bite my neck,<br>I could stay with you._

_I could be handy breaking a fuse  
>When your lights are on<br>I can knit a sweater by the fireside  
>Sunday mornings go for a ride. <em>

_Doing the garden, digging the weeds,  
>Could a wife do more?<br>Will you still need me, will you still feed me,  
>When I'm sixty-four?<em>

_Every summer we can rent a cottage  
>In the Isle of Wight, if it's not too dear<br>We shall scrimp and save  
>No children on your knee<br>Won't make you a slave_

_Send me a postcard, drop me a line,  
>Stating point of view<br>Indicate precisely what you mean to say  
>Yours sincerely, Wasting away.<em>

_Give me your answer, fill in a form  
>Mine for evermore<br>Will you still need me, will you still feed me,  
>When I'm sixty-four?<em>

EDWARD  
>That's nice and all, but I don't think I want to spend that much time with you. I was thinking we get married, we have lots of sex, and then get a quickie divorce when I tire of you.<p>

BELLA  
>What are you trying to say?<p>

EDWARD  
>That I love you on such a deep level that you'll never understand.<p>

BELLA  
>Yay! Does this mean you love me enough to put an end to this stupid wedding planning even if it crushes your sister Alice who I am suddenly best friend with?<p>

EDWARD  
>No. She's distracting you while I siphon all the money out of your bank account.<p>

BELLA  
>Fine, but make it stop raining. And tell Stephanie Myers to stop writing.<p>

EDWARD  
>I can't, because then everyone would see me sparkle. Just learn to put up with it since your going to marry me and have to live in wet places all over the world.<p>

BELLA  
>I'm just falling more and more in love with you.<p>

EDWARD  
>You make no sense.<p>

BELLA  
>Bite me.<p>

* * *

><p>When I'm A Hundred Sixty-Four When I'm Sixty-Four by the Beatles.


	15. ACT IV: Scene Three

**SCENE THREE**

(JACOB is sitting alone in the middle of the stage, facing the audience.)

JACOB  
>What am I doing with my life?<p>

(JACOB takes a big breath, holds it, then deflates.)

JACOB  
>Don't worry, I'm not going to sing another song. It's just going to be a monologue… A dry, boring monologue… A dry, boring monologue about how much I miss Bella… A dry, boring monologue about how much I miss Bella, even though she used and abused me… A dry, boring monologue about-<p>

BILLY (O.S.)  
>SHUT UP!<p>

JACOB  
>But I had just started on my-<p>

(BILLY comes in holding his chair to his butt.)

BILLY  
>You've been ejected from the stage. Director's orders.<p>

(BILLY hooks a shepherd's staff around JACOB neck and begins to pull him off.)

JACOB  
>What? Where did you even get that?<p>

BILLY  
>It was an impulse buy.<p>

JACOB  
>Let me go! I've just begun wallowing in my depression!<p>

BILLY  
>Nope. You're outta here. Back to La Push for you.<p>

(BILLY finishes pulling him offstage.)

JACOB (O.S.)  
>But Bella got months to be depressed! It's so unfair!<p>

(A golf ball rolls onto the stage. ARO and CAIUS walk on with golf clubs. MARCUS walks on while fitting a noose around his neck.)

MARCUS  
>Just….a little… tighter….<p>

ARO  
>Shut up, you're cramping my style.<p>

CAIUS  
>What style? You're wearing white socks with black pants.<p>

ARO  
>Shut up, you're defecating on the celebration.<p>

MARCUS  
>Isn't that just… life?<p>

ARO  
>No, so shut up. We need to plan on how we're going to bring the Cullens down.<p>

CAIUS  
>Tell them that gay marriage is now allowed in Maine? Then they'd all cross the country and leave Bella all on her own.<p>

ARO  
>No, that would never work. Your idea giving privilege has been taken away.<p>

MARCUS  
>Like everything in life… it can all just be taken from you…<p>

ARO  
>I guess we could just attack.<p>

CAIUS  
>But we've got a full schedule! We could never make it there without seriously disrupting our plans! We're playing tennis with the cast of True Blood next week, and we're going to start our own death metal band the week after that!<p>

ARO  
>Fine. We'll needlessly wait a few months before attacking. I saw that Edward had no desire to change the girl.<p>

CAIUS  
>So, what day should I pencil in our attack? The twenty-fifth, or the twenty-sixth.<p>

ARO  
>The twenty-sixth, I suppose. Just send the Cullens an appointment card to remind them. I wouldn't want to get there and find out that they've gone on vacation.<p>

CAIUS  
>Alrighty then. Should we have some sort of attack plan?<p>

ARO  
>Not at all. We can just make up a bunch of stuff. Like one of our warriors can inflict pain with her mind. Another can paralyze you by breaking your neck while you're distracted by some creepy fog.<p>

CAIUS  
>And you think that they'll be afraid of that?<p>

ARO  
>Yes! I have the power to know all the thoughts of all the people in all the world!<p>

MARCUS  
>Then tell me… how are… the Red Socks doing?<p>

ARO  
>Oh, they're having a shitty season. I know, because Edward Cullen thought that just last week.<p>

MARCUS  
>There is… nothing left… to live for…<p>

CAIUS  
>That's why they call us the UNDEAD.<p>

* * *

><p>Hmmmm... sorry about the scenes getting shorter... I probably should have put them together... but whatever. Review!<p> 


	16. ACT IV: Scene Four

**SCENE FOUR**

(ALICE, EDWARD, ROSALIE, JASPER and EMMETT are standing on the stage. BELLA runs onto the stage.)

BELLA  
>Quick! You have to marry me now! It's urgent!<p>

ALICE  
>I thought that you didn't want to be married!<p>

BELLA  
>I don't, but the writer is sick of this vampire shit! Just marry me already!<p>

EDWARD  
>Well, Emmett does happen to have a marriage license.<p>

BELLA  
>What? Why?<p>

EDWARD  
>Because everything in this story is that fucking convenient!<p>

EMMETT  
>Do you, Bella, take<br>(EMMETT mumbles into his hand.)  
>As your supernaturally wedded husband?<p>

BELLA  
>I do.<p>

(BELLA rubs up against EDWARD before tripping doing some random-assed rolling on the ground.)

EMMETT  
>And do you,<br>(He mumbles again.)  
>Take Bella as your supernaturally wedded wife? And Jacob, do you like Bella?<p>

EVERYONE  
>What?<p>

EMMETT  
>Just for the sake of conversation. So do you,<br>(Mumbles.)  
>Take Bella as your supernaturally wedded wife? And Jacob, do you like Bella?<p>

JACOB (O.S.)  
>I do, yeah.<p>

EDWARD  
>I do.<p>

EMMETT  
>Then in the power vested in me, BELLA AND JACOB ARE NOW MARRIED! HA! I GOT YOU! See, because instead of saying Bella do you take Edward I actually said Jacob, and then you said I do, but then I was actually asking Jacob if he'd take Bella as his wife, and he said I do, so they're married! Ha haha ha HA!<p>

(Everyone gasps. BELLA gets off the floor. JACOB runs onto the stage throwing kisses to the audience.)

JACOB  
>Ha! Yes! I knew I'd win! Thank you for voting for me America! Thank you! I owe all this to you!<p>

BELLA  
>But I love Edward.<p>

EDWARD  
>And I kind of don't completely hate Bella.<p>

JACOB  
>I'd like to thank my family, and my sponsors, and my little league coach-<p>

EDWARD  
>That's it! I know how we can settle this! Through baseball!<p>

(INDIANS come in carrying baseball bats. CHARLIE runs on and hands out bats to the vampires.)

CHARLIE  
>Go Jacob! Team Jacob! Woohoo! Go Taylor!<p>

BELLA  
>No! You can't fight like this!<p>

EDWARD  
>You're right! We need a full cast song to start us off!<p>

(The rest of the cast comes onto the stage. VOLTURI, JAMES, and VICTORIA stay to the edge of the stage.)

EVERYONE  
><em>Tessie is the Royal Rooters rally cry<em>  
><em>Tessie is the tune they always sung<em>  
><em>Tessie echoed April through October nights<em>  
><em>After serenading Stahl, Dinneen and Young<em>  
><em>Tessie is a maiden with a sparkling eye<em>  
><em>Tessie is a maiden with a love<em>  
><em>She doesn't know the meaning of her sight<em>  
><em>She's got a comment full of love<em>

_And sometimes when the game is on the line_  
><em>Tessie always carried them away<em>  
><em>Up the road from "Third Base" to Huntington<em>  
><em>The boys will always sing and sway<em>

_Two! Three! Four!_

_Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted_  
><em>We're not here to mess around<em>  
><em>Boston, you know we love you madly<em>  
><em>Hear the crowd roar to your sound<em>  
><em>Don't blame us if we ever doubt you<em>  
><em>You know we couldn't live without you<em>  
><em>Tessie, you are the only only only<em>

_The Rooters showed up at the grounds one day_  
><em>They found their seats had all been sold<em>  
><em>McGreevey led the charge into the park<em>  
><em>Stormed the gates and put the game on hold<em>  
><em>The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright<em>  
><em>Boston's tenth man could not be wrong<em>  
><em>Up from "Third Base" to Huntington<em>  
><em>They'd sing another victory song<em>

_Two! Three! Four!_

_Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted_  
><em>We're not here to mess around<em>  
><em>Boston, you know we love you madly<em>  
><em>Hear the crowd roar to your sound<em>  
><em>Don't blame us if we ever doubt you<em>  
><em>You know we couldn't live without you<em>  
><em>Tessie, you are the only only only<em>

_The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright_  
><em>Boston's tenth man could not be wrong<em>  
><em>Up from "Third Base" to Huntington<em>  
><em>They'd sing another victory song<em>

_Two! Three! Four!_

_Tessie, "Nuf Ced" McGreevey shouted_  
><em>We're not here to mess around<em>  
><em>Boston, you know we love you madly<em>  
><em>Hear the crowd roar to your sound<em>  
><em>Don't blame us if we ever doubt you<em>  
><em>You know we couldn't live without you<em>  
><em>Tessie, you are the only only only<em>  
><em>Don't blame us if we ever doubt you<em>  
><em>You know we couldn't live without you<em>  
><em>Boston, you are the only only only<em>  
><em>Don't blame us if we ever doubt you<em>  
><em>You know we couldn't live without you<em>  
><em>Red Sox, you are the only only only<em>

VOLDEMORT (O.S.)  
>Dude. You guys live in Forks Washington. W-T-F.<p>

BELLA  
>I'd die for the Red Socks!<p>

EDWARD  
>Me too!<p>

MARCUS  
>I… as well.<p>

VOLDEMORT (O.S.)  
>Who the fuck wrote this shit?<p>

ROSALIE  
>OH! An earthquake!<p>

(The lights flash on and off. Everyone but the INDIANS, CULLENS, and BELLA leaves.)

EDWARD  
>Jk, that was a dream sequence.<p>

JACOB  
>NOW WE WILL FIGHT FOR BELLA!<p>

EDWARD  
>Yes! It's game on!<p>

(INDIANS and CULLENS start sword fighting with their bats. BELLA rolls on the ground between them.)

EDWARD  
>I will win my dinner!<p>

JACOB  
>But we're fighting for Bella!<p>

EDWARD  
>I KNOW!<p>

(They continue fighting until only EDWARD and JACOB are left standing.)

EDWARD  
>You're going down, dog!<p>

JACOB  
>No you are, bloodsucker!<p>

EDWARD  
>No, seriously. Down, dog.<p>

(JACOB sits immediately. EDWARD pulls a newspaper out of his pants and swats JACOB over the head with it. BELLA stops rolling around to start doing the worm.)

JACOB  
>Ow.<p>

EDWARD  
>Now, you were a very bad dog. Say you're sorry.<p>

JACOB  
>I'm sorry…<p>

EDWARD  
>Do you agree that it was wrong to pee in the fountain of youth?<p>

JACOB  
>Yes…<p>

EDWARD  
>And that it was a bad idea to try to fight for Bella?<p>

JACOB  
>Yeah… I'm sure I'll be able to fall in love with your offspring, or something.<p>

EDWARD  
>Good. Now that that's settled, Bella is my wife now.<p>

EMMETT  
>No. You need a real person to marry you. I was just kidding around.<p>

JASPER  
>Oh, you bad boy.<p>

(The lights go off and everyone leaves. The lights come back on and Voldemort walks on stage while holding a big sign that says 'SOME TIME LATER.' He walks back off and the lights go down again.)

* * *

><p>Haha that was Tessie by The Dropkick Murpheys (I'm 99% that it's them this time!) According to google, it's the red sock's anthem or something. Idk. I'm still waiting for a Red Socks fan to come along and read this.<p> 


	17. ACT IV: Scene Five Or So

**SCENE FIVE OR SO**

(EDWARD and BELLA are sitting in beach chairs. BELLA has her eyes closed. EDWARD gets off his chair and kneels at her side.)

EDWARD  
><em>Kiss me out of the bearded barley<em>  
><em>Nightly, beside the green, green grass<em>  
><em>Swing, swing, swing the spinning step<em>  
><em>I'll wear those shoes and you will wear that dress.<em>

_Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight_  
><em>Lead me out on the moonlit floor<em>  
><em>Lift your open hand<em>  
><em>Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance<em>  
><em>Silver moon's sparkling<em>  
><em>So kiss me<em>

_Kiss me down by the broken tree house_  
><em>Swing me upon its hanging tire<em>  
><em>Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat<em>  
><em>We'll take the trail marked on your father's map<em>

_Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight_  
><em>Lead me out on the moonlit floor<em>  
><em>Lift your open hand<em>  
><em>Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance<em>  
><em>Silver moon's sparkling<em>  
><em>So kiss me<em>

_Kiss me beneath the milky twilight_  
><em>Lead me out on the moonlit floor<em>  
><em>Lift your open hand<em>  
><em>Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance<em>  
><em>Silver moon's sparkling<em>  
><em>So kiss me<em>  
><em>So kiss me<em>  
><em>So kiss me<em>  
><em>So kiss me<em>

BELLA  
>Eh. I'll fuck you later.<p>

EDWARD  
>You mean we can make love on the beach by the fireside?<p>

BELLA  
>No. What do I look like, your gay lover? We're going to have sex. Sex on the beach. Actually, I could go for one of those right about now.<p>

EDWARD  
>Fine. Catalina!<p>

(CATALINA walks on wearing a dirty maid's outfit. She talks with a Spanish accent.)

CATALINA  
>Sí, Señor Edwardo?<p>

EDWARD  
>I'd like a Sex On The Beach.<p>

CATALINA  
>Sí… Señor…<p>

(CATALINA starts taking off her shirt.)

EDWARD  
>NO! I, um, mean the drink. I'm not going to need you to perform your… special services… anymore. I have Bella for that!<p>

CATALINA  
>Sí, Señor Edwardo. Does that mean that I can finally go back to mi familia? You said last time that I wouldn't have to be your slave anymore after I gave you that blow-<p>

EDWARD  
>Shut up!<p>

CATALINA  
>Sí, Señor Edwardo. I will not speak about the fish.<p>

EDWARD  
>You know what? I think I'll go get Bella's drink myself.<p>

(EDWARD walks away.)

CATALINA  
>You should not date that man, Señorita.<p>

BELLA  
>We're already married.<p>

CATALINA  
>Then I warn you, Señorita. Many women from among my people have been with the pale-faced, like your Edwardo. The pale-faced impregnate the women, and they die from the demon spawn. I advise you to get as far away from Señor Edwardo as possible.<p>

BELLA  
>Whatever. If whatever you just said was of any importance, you would have told it to me via song.<p>

CATALINA  
>You must remember my warning, Señorita. La Cullens are not nice people.<p>

BELLA  
>They seem perfectly fine to me.<p>

CATALINA  
>I've been their slave for fourteen years.<p>

EDWARD (O.S.)  
>CATALINA! Stop talking or you'll get another beating!<p>

BELLA  
>See what I mean? Edward's perfect. Now leave me alone. When he comes back, I'm going to fuck him into next week.<p>

* * *

><p>That was Kiss Me by New Found Glory (but originally by someone else, idk who) It's actually a really sweet song. You should listen to it.<p> 


	18. ACT IV: Scene Six

**SCENE SIX**

(BELLA is laying with her head propped up. She has a pillow under her shirt. ALICE, EDWARD, and EMMETT are sitting around her.)

BELLA  
>Oh my god. Oh my god. How did this happen?<p>

ALICE  
>I don't know! Vampires aren't supposed to have babies!<p>

BELLA  
>Why is that!<p>

EDWARD  
>Stupid bitch! I already told you! Vampires don't have bodily fluid; we have venom. So, going with that scientifically proven fact, my semen should have not impregnated you, it should have just burned your vagina.<p>

EMMETT  
>Yeah, that's what happens to me.<p>

BELLA  
>Well I'm pregnant! Care to explain how that happened?<p>

EDWARD  
>No thanks. I'd rather just have people think that it was the crappy author's fault.<p>

JACOB (O.S.)  
>Bella! Am I needed for this scene!<p>

BELLA  
>Not yet! I haven't had your wife yet!<p>

EMMETT  
>There are a few sentences I never thought I'd hear. That was one of them. Another one was: Twilight is a best selling book.<p>

EDWARD  
>What's Twilight?<p>

BELLA  
>That's not important! Because I'm having the baby!<p>

EMMETT  
>Oh, you're pregnant? Congratulations! I just thought that you were getting fat! You know, me and Jasper have been trying for to conceive for years-<p>

(JACOB runs onstage as BELLA throws RENESMEE. RENESMEE is a creepy baby doll.)

JACOB  
>MY TRUE LOVE! Oh, I love you so much little…<p>

BELLA  
>Renesmee. Her name is Renesmee.<p>

EDWARD  
>You are not naming our child that. That is just fucking stupid.<p>

(I agree. But anyways, ROSALIE runs in.)

ROSALIE  
>Oh, Bella! I just love children! You see, I've hated you all this time because-<p>

BELLA  
>Oh no! Her boring life story is killing me to death!<p>

ALICE  
>You mean boring you to death?<p>

EDWARD  
>No! Can't you see that it's killing her! We have to save her.<p>

EMMETT  
>Oh my gawd. Oh my gawd. Oh my gawd. What should we do! Who knew that giving birth to a half-vampire half-human could be so dangerous?<p>

BELLA  
>Bite me!<p>

JACOB  
>Okay!<p>

(JACOB throws the baby doll to ROSALIE and bites BELLA. EDWARD pushes him off and bites BELLA himself.)

EDWARD  
>I'll save you Bella! I'll turn you into a vampire!<p>

* * *

><p>Okay really should have combined scenes... but whatever, it just means that you need to click more :)<p> 


	19. ACT IV: Scene Seven

**SCENE SEVEN**

(VOLTURI are spaced out across the stage. CASIUS is sitting on a chair in the center, towards the back.)

ARO  
>Okay, let's try this one more time. No record company is ever going to sign us if we can't get this song right.<p>

MARCUS  
>I've finished… the lyrics.<p>

CAIUS  
>And you've made them more uplifting?<p>

MARCUS  
>Well…<p>

ARO  
>Okay, we've got the lyrics. We've got our heavy metal band. Now we just need a song. Ready, everyone?<p>

CAIUS  
>I suppose.<p>

(MARCUS air-guitars, ARO air-guitars and sings into a air microphone, and CAIUS air-drums.)

ARO  
><em>Dead I am the one, Exterminating son<em>  
><em>Slipping through the trees, strangling the breeze<em>  
><em>Dead I am the sky, watching angels cry<em>  
><em>While they slowly turn, conquering the worm<em>

VOLTURI  
><em>Dig through the ditches,<em>  
><em>And burn through the witches<em>  
><em>I slam in the back of my<em>  
><em>Dragula<em>

_Dig through the ditches,_  
><em>Burn through the witches<em>  
><em>I slam in the back of my<em>  
><em>Dragula<em>

ARO  
><em>Dead I am the pool, spreading from the fool<em>  
><em>Weak and want you need, nowhere as you bleed<em>  
><em>Dead I am the rat, feast upon the cat<em>  
><em>Tender is the fur, dying as you purr<em>

VOLTURI  
><em>Dig through the ditches,<em>  
><em>And burn through the witches<em>  
><em>I slam in the back of my<em>  
><em>Dragula<em>

_Dig through the ditches,_  
><em>And burn through the witches<em>  
><em>I slam in the back of my<em>  
><em>Dragula<em>

_Do it baby, Do it baby_  
><em>Do it baby, Do it baby<em>  
><em>Burn like an animal<em>

ARO  
><em>Dead I am the life, dig into the skin<em>  
><em>Knuckle crack the bone, 21 to win<em>  
><em>Dead I am the dog, hound of hell you cry<em>  
><em>Devil on your back, I can never die<em>

_Dig through the ditches,_  
><em>And burn through the witches<em>  
><em>I slam in the back of my<em>  
><em>Dragula<em>

_Dig through the ditches,_  
><em>And burn through the witches<em>  
><em>I slam in the back of my<em>  
><em>Dragula<em>

VOLTURI  
><em>Do it baby, Do it baby<em>  
><em>Do it baby, Do it baby<em>  
><em>Burn like an animal<em>

_Dig through the ditches,_  
><em>And burn through the witches<em>  
><em>I slam in the back of my<em>  
><em>Dragula<em>

_Dig through the ditches,_  
><em>And burn through the witches<em>  
><em>I slam in the back of my<em>  
><em>Dragula<em>

_Dig through the ditches,_  
><em>And burn through the witches<em>  
><em>I slam in the back of my<em>  
><em>Dragula<em>

ARO  
>Okay, that was pretty good. But, Marcus, you're out of the band. We can easily find someone to replace you as bass.<p>

MARCUS  
>What…?<p>

CAIUS  
>I mean, I like your enthusiasm, but you blatantly took that song from Rob Zombie. I told you that we should have been a pop group. They steal songs from each other all the time.<p>

* * *

><p>Dragula by Rob Zombie (I actually like this song...) for the subplot in which the vultori form a death metal band...<p> 


	20. ACT IV: Scene Eight

**SCENE EIGHT**

(ROSALIE and EMMETT are standing together looking down at RENESMEE, who is in a little stroller.)

EMMETT  
>He's a cutie, isn't he?<p>

ROSALIE  
>She. The baby is a she. You can tell because of the distinct lack of penis.<p>

EMMETT  
>Oh! I get it! You're a boy if you have a penis, and a girl if you don't.<p>

ROSALIE  
>… that's the gist of it, yes.<p>

EMMETT  
>I'm feeling an unnatural urge to kiss you.<p>

ROSALIE  
>What?<p>

EMMETT  
>I don't know… I think I might be… straight!<p>

JASPER (O.S.)  
>Oh no he didn't!<p>

EMMETT  
><em>Hot girl, with no brains underneath<br>I want the breath of her last cigarette on my teeth  
>And she's an vampire <em>

ROSALIE  
><em>(Vampire)<em>

EMMETT  
><em>And boy she likes to feed<br>She's got body from her mama who she used as a feast_.

ROSALIE  
><em>T, T, T, Tongues get them pressed to my cheeks,<em>

EMMETT  
><em>Well my tongue was on the inside of some other boy's teeth.<em>

ROSALIE  
><em>T, T, Tell your boyfriend<em>

EMMETT  
><em>Boyfriend?<em>

ROSALIE  
><em>-if he says he's got beef,<br>That I'm a vegetarian but I ain't fuckin scared of him._

EMMETT  
><em>She wants to touch me, wants to love me, woah-oh<br>She'll never leave me, woah-oh, woah-oh, oh-oh,  
><em>_Don't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe, won't trust a hoe, just trust me_.

ROSALIE  
><em>He wants to touch me, wants to love me, woah-oh<br>He'll never leave me, woah-oh, woah-oh, oh-oh,  
>Don 't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe, won't trust a hoe, just trust me.<em>

EMMETT  
><em>Yeah, baby give me your hands,<br>Put them on my ass while I fondle your cans,  
>And it don't matter<em>

ROSALIE  
><em>(Matter)<em>

EMMETT  
><em>That we're on a stage,<br>Give it to me baby, your passion and rage._

ROSALIE  
><em>N, N, N, News is, you're in my arms,<br>And our love is so strong that it will go off like a the rest is, _

EMMETT  
><em>Rest is,<em>

ROSALIE  
><em>complicated by far.<br>Not another girl, knows just know you are._

EMMETT  
><em>She wants to touch me, wants to love me, woah-oh<br>She'll never leave me, woah-oh, woah-oh, oh-oh,  
>Don 't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe, won't trust a hoe, just trust me.<em>

ROSALIE  
><em>He wants to touch me, wants to love me, woah-oh<br>He'll never leave me, woah-oh, woah-oh, oh-oh,  
>Don 't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe, won't trust a hoe, just trust me.<em>

EMMETT  
><em>Shush girl, thrust those hips.<br>Do the Edward Cullen, don't talk with those lips.  
>I said shush girl, thrust those hips.<br>Do the Edward Cullen, don't talk with those lips.  
><em>_I said shush girl, thrust those hips.  
>Do the Edward Cullen, don't talk with those lips. <em>

(ROSALIE and EMMETT start dancing sexually with lots of grinding.)

ROSALIE  
><em>He wants to touch me, wants to love me, woah-oh<br>He'll never leave me, woah-oh, woah-oh, oh-oh,  
>Don 't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe, won't trust a hoe, just trust me.<em>

EMMETT  
><em>She wants to touch me, wants to love me, woah-oh<br>She'll never leave me, woah-oh, woah-oh, oh-oh,  
>Don 't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe, won't trust a hoe, just trust me.<em>

(ROSALIE and EMMETT hug as the music ends.)

ROSALIE  
>So… what is this?<p>

EMMETT  
>Well, it's a bit like a subplot, except no one cares.<p>

ROSALIE  
>No, I mean, what do we have between us?<p>

EMMETT  
>It's a bit like a relationship, except I don't care.<p>

(EMMETT and ROSALIE walk off stage left, hand in hand with ROSALIE pushing the stroller.)

EDWARD (O.S.)  
>Okay. Easy does it. You're a newborn vampire, so you should just stay calm.<p>

(EDWARD and BELLA walk on stage right. EDWARD is supporting BELLA, and BELLA's hair is all fucked up.)

BELLA  
>I'm fine. God. Let's drink some fucking blood already.<p>

EDWARD  
>Okay, we'll go hunting as soon as-<p>

MIKE (O.S.)  
>I have some mail for Bella!<p>

(MIKE and JESSICA walk on stage left.)

JESSICA  
>Yeah, it looks like you have a letter here-<p>

(BELLA rushes at JESSICA and tackles her before biting her throat. EDWARD runs over and tries to pull BELLA off, while MIKE tries to push EDWARD off.)

EDWARD  
>No! Stop! Think of what you're doing!<p>

MIKE  
>No! Stop! Think of what you're doing!<p>

EDWARD  
>What are you talking about? I'm trying to stop Bella from killing Jess!<p>

MIKE  
>Exactly! Why stop her!<p>

(JASPER and ALICE walk in.)

JASPER  
>Aw, did I miss dinner?<p>

EDWARD  
>No! Bella is attacking a human!<p>

MIKE  
>Naw. She just got Jess. I'm fine. In fact, here's your mail.<p>

(MIKE hands a letter to JASPER.)

BELLA  
>Well, that was nice. Mike, could you take care of that for me?<p>

MIKE  
>Totally.<p>

(MIKE drags JESSICA off.)

ALICE  
>Good riddance. The blood pouring out of her neck totally didn't match the earrings she was wearing.<p>

JASPER  
>Edward! The Volturi are coming tomorrow!<p>

EDWARD  
>How do you know! Did you have a vision?<p>

JASPER  
>No! They sent us an appointment reminder!<p>

EDWARD  
>Well that's fantastic! I've wanted to see their show for forever!<p>

JASPER  
>They aren't coming to play music! They're coming to attack us!<p>

BELLA  
>Oh no! We have to protect Renesmee!<p>

EDWARD  
>Why?<p>

BELLA  
>Because maternal instinct, you dumbshit!<p>

(They walk off and JAMES and VICTORIA walk on the other side.)

JAMES  
>Maybe we could attack now?<p>

VICTORIA  
>No, we have to wait in line.<p>

JAMES  
>But we've been waiting to attack them before the stupid Volturi were even made up!<p>

VICTORIA  
>We just have to wait. They'll all die eventually….<p>

JAMES  
>You said that last time…<p>

* * *

><p>Haha forgot about James and Victoria, didn't you? That was Don't Trust Me by 3oh!3... with modification<p> 


	21. ACT IV: Scene Eight II

**SCENE EIGHT**

(VOLTURI are standing to the right. CULLENS and INDIANS are standing to the left. JACOB is holding RENESMEE.)

ARO  
>You knew that this day would come.<p>

EDWARD  
>Yes we did. Thank you for the postcard.<p>

CAIUS  
>We've come to kill your wife and child.<p>

EDWARD  
>Why?<p>

ARO  
>Because you need to learn your lesson!<p>

BELLA  
>What lesson?<p>

MARCUS  
>That nothing in life is free…<p>

ARO  
>Wait a minute- that's not the lesson.<p>

CAIUS  
>Oh. I guess that there is no lesson. We aren't going to kill you after all.<p>

ARO  
>We were actually thinking about giving up being cold-blooded killers to further our music career. We aren't really into the killing thing anymore.<p>

EDWARD  
>Would you like to tell campfire stories then?<p>

ARO  
>Delightful idea!<p>

(Everyone walks to the center and sits in a circle. They hold hands and start singing Alice the Camel.)

EVERYONE  
><em>Alice's camel has five humps<br>Alice's camel has five humps  
>Alice's camel has five humps<br>So go Alice go  
>Bump bump bump bump.<em>

VICTORIA (O.S.)  
>NOW!<p>

(VICTORIA and JAMES run on with guns. They shoot around madly until everyone falls over and dies.)

JAMES  
>YES! That was fricking sweet!<p>

VICTORIA  
>I kind of forget why we ever attacked them in the first place.<p>

JAMES  
>Who cares? That was fun!<p>

(JAMES and VICTORIA skip away. CHARLIE and BILLY come on.)

BILLY  
>Did you hear something?<p>

CHARLIE  
>Stupid neighbor. Can't keep his dead dog quiet!<p>

(CHARLIE pulls out a gun and shoots it all around. BILLY throws his chair at BELLA, then falls and dies.)

JAMES (O.S.)  
>Shit! I'm dead!<p>

VICTORIA (O.S.)  
>Shit! Me too!<p>

CHARLIE  
>Well that was weird. Oh, is that candy stuck in there?<p>

(CHARLIE looks into the barrel of his gun, pulls the trigger, and dies. MIKE and VOLDEMORT walk on.)

MIKE  
>So…<p>

VOLDEMORT  
>What?<p>

MIKE  
>It looks like we're the last two people on earth…<p>

VOLDEMORT  
>…. And?<p>

MIKE  
>We could… you know…<p>

VOLDEMORT  
>Oh dear god. And once again, by god, I mean me. Avada Kedavra.<p>

(MIKE dies and VOLDEMORT walks away. The lights start to go down as MARCUS jumps up.)

MARCUS  
>YES! I'm finally dead!<p>

(The lights return.)

MARCUS  
>I've been waiting all my life to be dead! I'm so glad that- Wait… I'm still… alive…<br>(MARCUS starts jumping up and down in anger.)  
>No! No! No! This sucks!<p>

**FIN**

* * *

><p>That is a real campfire song, yes. Now, since you've all been leaving wonderful reviews throughout the story (NOT) please leave one now. You've had your fun, now it's time to thank me and give your opinion on this wonderful little piece. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW... :)<p> 


End file.
